Tart
by Malteaser
Summary: Definition: sharp, harsh; "sharp criticism"; "a sharp-worded exchange"; "a tart remark"// Jack faces his mother after his not-so-triumphant return to Wonderland.


Jack wasn't unconscious when he was dragged into the palace, but he pretended to be. For one thing, there was nothing quite as exhausting as carrying a dead weight; for another, it gave him the much needed element of surprise for when he did begin to struggle.

Not that either their exhaustion or their surprise did much for him in the long run, but he did manage to break an Ace's nose. Given how dire his situation was, he perfectly willing to count that as a battle won.

Especially when facing the woman who may have just won the war.

"Oh, enough," Mother snapped as he was manhandled into his room and set upon the bed like a child who was throwing a tantrum. He may resent the indignity of that sentiment, but if got them to bring him here instead of the Truth Room, he supposed he shouldn't complain. If nothing else it implied that they didn't know about his connection to the Resistance.

"Get out of here! You're getting blood all over the carpet!" Mother ordered. The Ace whose nose he'd broken left hurriedly.

Now all he had to do was keep them from finding out about those connections.

"How could you do this to me, Jack?" she moaned.

He didn't answer: he had no desire to prolong this conversation, but listing the reasons mentally would take his mind off it, if nothing else.

"After all the work I put into raising you-"

_You've destroyed two kingdoms and have drained the one you rule just like you drain Oysters._

"-you dare to run off with the Stone of Wonderland-"

_You've caused a minor famine, destroyed entire cultures, and are letting diseases run rampant throughout the land._

"-and to what end? You stupid child, you didn't even send through demands."

_You kidnap people from their homes and drain them of their lives- and the Oysters are people, as real and human as you or I, no matter what your propaganda says._

"If you wanted the crown, you shouldn't have run away from the throne! If you wanted attention, you shouldn't have run away from your family! Anything but this irresponsible flight from your home!"

_Well, as human as I am. I don't even know what you are anymore, mother dear._

"Are you listening to me? Jack?"

"Yes, mother."

_Of course, if I actually told you I thought any of this, you'd behead me, so I'm stuck in the part of the spoiled prince for a while longer._

"Good. I hope you appreciate how idiotic you've been."

"Yes, mother."

"Now tell me- where have you hidden the ring?"

"Yes, mother."

"Well?"

"Yes, mother."

Mother grabbed a fistful of his hair and yanked it back. "Don't get smart with me."

"I'm sorry- I was under the impression that was what you wanted to hear." Jack winced as Mother's hand tightened in his hair, before she let go with a look of supreme distaste.

"Answer me directly: where have you hidden the ring?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. I had it in the apartment- I couldn't help but notice on the way here that you had bought all my collected things back with me. You must have found it by now."

"We have not," Mother spat out. Another victory: today might be his lucky day after all, throbbing headache and kidnapping aside. Mother didn't have the ring, and she didn't have Alice. If he could just wait out the ensuing chaos, then the Resistance had the chance it needed.

He put a great deal of effort into looking bored and sullen, as opposed to relieved.

"I kept it in the box under my pillow. Perhaps it fell when you emptied my rooms?"

"No. The Suits were more careful than that," Mother snapped, with a sidelong glance at the Ten of Spades to let him know that this better have been the case. "And it does not explain why Agent White found a girl following you who was carrying _this_."

She brandished the open ring box at him. It was empty- he forced himself to focus on that, rather than the obvious implication that Alice had been found as well, and possibly been disposed of.

"How did-?" He sat, thinking furiously for an explanation that would preserve his cover. Thankfully, there was one readily available, even if it did reveal more about the nature of their relationship than he would have liked. "She must have taken it while I slept."

There was a tiny pained sound from the farthest corner of the room. Jack ignored it, as did everyone else in the room. It was faked, anyway.

"You slept with her?" Mother shrieked.

"I had- itchy feet," Jack told her. It was true, in a way: now that he knew her affection was an act, there was no part of him that didn't crawl at the thought of his intended. Alice was genuine and practical, her exact opposite, and therefore exactly what he found himself needing, mission be damned. "She may have thought I intended to propose to her with it. Or perhaps she just thought it was valuable."

"Would she have worn it?" Mother demanded.

"Worn it?" Jack replied, not needing to draw upon his acting skills to appear confused.

"Yes, worn it," Mother said. "Your _mistress_ followed you into Wonderland and is now traipsing about willy-nilly, provided she hasn't fallen in an aqueduct and drowned-"

"Oh, I doubt that," Jack said, offhandedly. "Alice is quite fit."

Every painful moment since receiving the warning to run was worth it for the look of horror that consumed her face upon hearing that name.

"You idiot!" Mother seethed. "You irresponsible child! You let the Stone of Wonderland pass into the hands of a girl called _Alice_!"

"I didn't mean for her to have the Stone!" he protested. "Besides, I rather thought it was funny, a Heart dating an Alice."

_You'll also find that she would probably be capable of destroying you even if she didn't have the Stone of Wonderland. Oh, and she has the added advantage of also being Carpenter's daughter, and I have high hopes that she'll be the very thing to remind him that he had a life before that name. Sorry, mother. That's the problem with building your reign on a bluff. Sometimes, it gets called._

"You fool!" Mother cried, throwing her hands in the air. "Of all the incompetent things for you to do…"

Her eyes narrowed suspiciously and she stared down at him where he sat on the edge of the bed. Jack met her gaze calmly: _his_ hand couldn't be forced, not now, so all he had to do was stick to his story and hope that when Alice evaded the Suits she had also managed to find her way into friendly company.

"You should wash that dye out of your hair. It's a perfectly horrid color," Mother told him. "I'll expect you at dinner, looking like my son rather than some sort of- what is it you said you were? Accountant?" She smirked.

"It's such a boring job no one bothered to ask questions about it," Jack replied snidely.

"Be sure to be on time," Mother demanded, then left him by himself.

"Oh, Jack…"

Almost. Once upon a time, before offering to eavesdrop on the Court, the two of them alone would have counted as being away from prying eyes. But those times were long since over.

"I need to wash my hair," Jack said, not looking at her as he rose and headed for the ensuit. Predictably, she followed him.

"Don't run away," Duchess whispered in his ear, starting the tap. "Let me help."

_Oh, and one more thing, mother. You owe me for this charade as well. Although, to be fair, I'm not sure if the lion's share of the blame rests with you for scheming it, Duchess for perpetuating it, or myself for thinking I would be allowed someone on my side._

He forced a smile, and met her eyes in the mirror. "Of course, Duchess. I don't know what I was thinking."

~*~

**A/N**: So, who else subtitles Jack's cheery "Careful with the finger, we don't want blood on the ring!" line with "neener neener neener, screw you mum"?

…

Well, I do. Hence this fic.


End file.
